A listener writes:

I've noticed a recurring problem. Someone will send an important message. Because I'm busy and because I feel that their message deserves a thorough and thoughtful response, I never get around to answering. When someone takes the time to write a long e-mail about some life-altering event, it seems harsh to respond with a curt, "Sorry to hear you have cancer," or "Your house burned down? Bummer." I know it's even worse to not respond at all, and I always intend to set aside the 30 minutes it takes to craft a proper response or find the perfect card, but sometimes I never get to it. How can I get to the point where I admit the 30-minute response is unrealistic?

Well, listener, the Quick and Dirty Tip is to be gentle with yourself, keep an e-mail folder of "messages to reply to," and use that folder to help yourself stay honest. In the future, change your medium and take action immediately,

This was a great question. Even I suffer from this problem. In fact, you wrote this question six weeks ago and it stayed in my "great question" file until this morning. After all, I wanted to answer it  thoughtfully, giving it all the attention it deserves.

And therein lies the problem. We hear something from someone we love, and we tell ourselves the most caring response is to send a letter or card, thoughtfully written, with perfectly crafted words. Maybe that worked in the 19th century, but things moved slowly then. It could take a week just to drive to the nearby 7-Eleven and back. And since they didn't have cars or driving, and the 7-Eleven wouldn't be built for another 83 years, they had lots of free time to craft careful communication.

If this happens to you a lot, you probably have an e-mail folders of "messages requiring a long response." If not, create one, and move all those messages into that folder. Now, scan the folder, and feel good about yourself. You're putting off these messages because you care. That's a good thing! So stop beating yourself up and do something nice to honor your good intentions. Heck, treat yourself to a tasty fat-free, Tofutti Ice Cream sundae with sugarless hot fudge sauce. (Yum!) Once you're feeling better, come back to the podcast, and we'll get down to business.

... Are you back? Good! Take our your trusty pencil and a piece of paper. Scan your "messages requiring a long response" folder. Write down each person's name and very briefly, what you want to say that would require thoughtful and careful wording. "Bernice - sorry to hear about your mysterious hair loss. Have you tried a toupe?" "Taylor, glad you won the lottery, will you buy me a new Prius...please?" "Ashton - So sorry you only have 3 weeks to live." (Oh. That was sent six weeks ago. Scratch it. See? Progress already.)

Now delete all the e-mails.

The reason your replies take so long to write is that you want to capture the proper emotion. Well, guess what? Writing text is a sucky way to capture emotion. It just takes too long. Voice tone, however, works marvels. An e-mail that might take 30 minutes to write can become a 10 minute phone call and feel like a much closer connection.

Review each name in your list. Think about how much you care about them, so you're in the feeling you want to convey to them. Then pick up the phone and call. You don't have to talk right then. Just say, "I want to be here for you. Let's find a time to talk when we can give each other our full attention." Then schedule a time and put it in your calendar. If you don't care enough about the person to schedule a time to talk, admit it and scratch them off the list.

In the future, when you get e-mails that require a response that would take a long time to write, that's your signal that e-mail isn't how you should respond. Pick up the phone, and call. Either  arrange a later conversation or talk then-and-there. If the impromptu conversation is going on too long, arrange a time to finish up later. Say something like this: "This is an important conversation. My boss needs me for a meeting. Can we continue tonight at 9 p.m.?"

To recap: rather than deciding a 30-minute response is unrealistic, just use the impulse as impetus to pick up the phone and talk for five minutes instead. You'll make your connection and everyone will be happier.

This is Stever Robbins. If you have a question about how to Work Less and Do More, e-mail getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com or leave voicemail at 866-WRK-LESS. You can also find a transcript of this episode at getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com, plus a link to Tofutti fat-free, tofu-based ice cream. 

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

RESOURCES:
- Fat-free tofu-based ice cream Tofutti! Yum!