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Resolve Relationship Conflict Quickly
Episode 79: April 21, 2009

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Stever Robbins here. Welcome to The Get-It-Done Guy’s Quick and Dirty Tips to Work Less and Do More.

Today's topic is streamlining your relationship conflicts.

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One of the wonderful things about having a snuggle-bunny is the snuggling. And one of the best things about fighting with your snuggle-bunny is making up from the fight, because then you get to snuggle. Ever in the mood to snuggle, but your bunny doesn't want to? I'll bet you get into a fight over it. And then you make up, and you snuggle. So everything's great.

Except, of course, for the fight. Fighting takes a long time, it's tiring, and it's bad for relationships. So some nice people got together and invented “fair fighting.” Have you heard of it? Just Google it. You'll find lots of versions. There are rules like, “Take it private, keep it private,” so you don't embarrass each other in front of others. Wouldn't that defeat the point? Or how about, “Avoid accusations.” Or, “No hitting below the belt.'” Why go to all the trouble of fighting if you're going to fight fair? Why not fight to win?

I guess the theory is that as long as you're going to fight, you should fight fair. But if you can just decide to fight fair, willy-nilly, then why can't you just decide not to fight at all? Because it's human nature to fight, that's why. At least, that's what I say to justify my occasional lack of self-control and infantile behavior.

Fighting Might Do Damage

Even if you fight fair 99% of the time, that extra 1% you might say something that's better left unsaid. Nothing destroys relationships like loved ones going straight for each other's insecurities. So they didn't tell you until after you were married to them that they weren't the gender you thought? Obviously it's a sensitive issue for them. Bringing it up in a fight about whose turn it is to wash the dishes is not going to win you any brownie points.

Fighting Takes Too Much Administrative Overhead

And, of course, fighting rarely starts small and stays small. Imagine a couple where one person is mainly concerned with tasks, whereas the other is mainly concerned with relationships and feelings. Just imagine how things might go: a fight starts over a task. “It's your turn to do the dishes.” “Is not!” “Is too!” The feeling-centric person then notices the conflict is generating bad feelings. That upsets them. That is a big problem. “You just had to start a fight, didn't you? You always do this! You take a nice evening and ruin it. You can't just discuss it calmly!” To the task-centric person, that is going off task. Which, of course, is a big problem. So they get even more upset about that. “You're always changing the subject. What about the dishes?” “This isn't about the dishes; this is about your inability to be an authentic human being!!”

Now we have three fights going on. One fight about the dishes, one fight about whose fault the fight is, and a third fight about how the second fight is distracting us from the first fight. Who can keep track? You might try using the grid technique from my episode on managing multiple projects, but that becomes a fourth fight: “Why are you writing out a grid? Don't you care about our relationship?” At that point, trying to explain you're writing a grid so you can track the fights that you need to fix so you can make up and snuggle ... just won't work.

Yes, there's an easier way.

Make a Fight Sheet

Did my sample fight sound familiar? That's because fights aren't original. Most of us have the same fights as each other, and we have them over and over and over. Even the fights about the fights repeat! This is silly! If you're going to get hot and bothered with your snuggle bunny doing something repetitive, there are better alternatives. For example, jumping rope.

But if you must fight, streamline the process. Create a word processing document and type in your standard arguments. Include both points of view, but just how you both say them. Don't cheat to make yourself look better than you are; record both sides of each argument. Put in a bold header for each argument to make it easy to find, and include a table of contents if it helps. Start with a title page, “Our arguments.”

Now print it out and make sure you each have a copy. Next time you start to argue, run (don't walk) to your nearest copy and hand it to the other person. Then you can each turn to the proper page and run through the argument silently. When you're done, if either of you have anything else to say, say it. Record those additions for next time, of course. Voila! What used to be a two hour argument now takes mere moments. You can look at each other, laugh a bit, and go snuggle and make up.

Yes, I'm Serious

In my life, this tip works. The idea appeared in my head in the middle of an argument, when I realized the argument was really, really familiar, but it was too late to stop it from escalating. I thought sarcastically, “There's gotta be a way to streamline this.” Then I realized it could be funny to give it a try. My first version was my partner's main points and what my responses would be. That would help me save time in proving I was right. Then I realized that wasn't fair, so I included both points of view. It was funny. We only had to use our argument booklet two or three times before almost all of those arguments lost their force.

This tip doesn't actually work because you're streamlining your arguments, it works because you're reminding yourselves how silly and futile arguing is in the first place. Life's too short. Go snuggle instead.

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This is Stever Robbins. Email questions to getitdone@quickanddirtytips.com or leave voicemail at 866-WRK-LESS. Download a sample Fight Sheet with this episode’s transcript at http://getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com/.

Work Less, Do More, and have a Great Life!

RESOURCES:

-http://getitdone.quickanddirtytips.com/managing-multiple-projects.aspx -managing multiple projects

-http://www.steverrobbins.com/getitdoneguy/079-streamline-your-fighting/ - Sample Fight Sheet

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Heather Says:
6/16/2009 8:44:21 AM

Obviously, you have a Significant Other. But if you didn't (or find yourself without one) I'd like to apply for the position! Let me explain. I thought of--and suggested--this EXACT concept to MY (ex)Significant Other many months ago! The only variation was: I suggested our 'repetitions' be labelled 1a, 2m, etc., to remove the labeling inherent with arguments. Then, instead of him rehashing, "You NEED to come to BED at a REASONABLE time" and me responding, "Just a minute, hon! I'm almost done!" we could just abbreviate it 1B(t) for 1 bedtime. Rather than me screaming, "You spent two hours on the phone with a nasty creature missing teeth who drove a towtruck and currently offers hundred dollar specials the NIGHT BEFORE we started dating, and you called her AGAIN three weeks later and talked for fourteen minutes!" we could just say, "HO (2)(17)!" "Well, HO(2)(17) to you, too!" P.S. I pawned my Corvette so we could attend a two-day 'relationship seminar" about "establishing dialogue" and he never even looked at the workbook we were supposed to finish at home. Hey, there was another repetition--I'll call it W(900) instead of "You made me waste nine hundred bucks, you lazy loser!"

Dr. Karen Sherman Says:
5/11/2009 1:38:51 PM

These are all really interesting points! As a relationship expert (www.ChoiceRelationships.com), I would like to add that couples need to know that conflicts are bound to happen. But here's the good news: there are skills they can learn so that they can handle them better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship." To hear it, go to: http://choicerelationships.com/teleseminar_resources.

Bob Kerns Says:
4/25/2009 12:41:43 AM

I'm not so sure your solution would work in any environment I'm a part of, because I don't see the repetitiveness. But it sounds great for that, and I'll watch for it. Perhaps I'm just missing it. But I think your point about the time spent arguing is really pretty central. The most annoying thing about fights are they're inefficient communication. Often they START from inefficient communication, and often they become ABOUT inefficient communication, and they ALWAYS RESULT in a big waste of time, due to inefficient communication. And the results -- well, what can you expect from inefficient communication? Hurt feelings, on a good day. Making them go faster reduces the amount of bad communication -- including the risk of outright blunders. A long, drawn-out fair fight is no good at all. But a short, "I always win, you always lose" thing isn't a panacea, either. It may work in the military -- sometimes. In the home seldom, not even as parent/kid. Because it's not communication at all, really, and the underlying communication didn't happen. Your plan works, because it IS efficient communication, because you were able to to do the ground work in advance. Brilliant idea -- but in my world, I think I need a plan for de novo arguments a lot more. (I could be wrong!) BTW -- I don't see any reason to limit your plan to relationship conflict. I wish we could apply it to politics.

FaithAnn Says:
4/24/2009 11:20:15 PM

I agree with Rose... there is NO way this would work in my house... no way...

Rose Says:
4/22/2009 12:38:00 AM

Yeah, sure, Stever. Don't you know that my boyfriend is really stupid and that he doesn't listen? So you think I can make him look at a sheet? He'll tear it up, throw it in the air like confetti and then we'll fight about how disrespectful that was and how he doesn't care! Hehehe... (Your tip is great for people with self control and some intelligence.)

amy Says:
4/21/2009 12:49:29 PM

Stever, you are awesome! Documenting the fight about the fight is brilliant! Now I'm prepared and I can't wait for the next fight.